| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
self esteem...rock bottom.
this is going to be a whole lot of crap im not sure you will want to read, but i gotta get it all out.
i feel like crap. im not happy. well i am but at the moment im not. im lonely, and i dont know how to meet new people to help my lonely situation. i just want someone there to care about me, no questions asked. i know thats what my friends are for. but having a guy care about you feels so much different.
i feel ugly. ive been breaking out non stop cos off all this stress from the whole dave situation. i didnt know you can break out from stress but my doctor seems to think so. i didnt feel stressed until he pointed out. i would never of put it down as stress but i guess it is. when im stressed and down i reach for the junk food. and ive been doing that non stop. and im so bloated and feel like vomitting whenever i eat cos i know what im eating is bad for me. i have seriously thought of making myself sick after i have eaten, though i havnt done it so its all good. i know its wrong adn dont want to get stuck in the horrible rut that ive heard about everyone else go through.
i need motivation. something to look forward to. it just feels like nothing is going good for me lately. like next year is going to be such a fuck up for me. mum and dad will be leaving sometime, ill be getting my own place (which will be a good thing aswell), ill need to find a job. god its getting to me now. i just want a few days where i think of nothing. i just want my brain to be frozen and sleep for a few days just to let myself relax.
my body image is seriously a big downer for me at the moment. i want to do somethinga bout it, but i just couldnt be bothered. and thats just so stupid. i keep telling myself to do something about it if im unhappy.
i just want someone to tell me im beautiful the way i am...everyday. i want someone to just be there. you know what i mean? i just want to be someone to somebody. i would be willing to be daves somebody in this situation its that bad. i jsut need some loving. i want that honeymoon stage in a relationship. where everything is fine and dandy and you couldnt be more complete.
i need piece in my life. i honestly wish i could get the memory of dave erased from my brain...even the good parts. it husts to know it went sour when you think of the good things but its a releif when you think of the bad things. its just something thats so mixed...that has me so mixed up. maybe i need actually need counselling over this. to come to terms with everything that has happened and to help me move on. or maybe someone could come along and once i am happy again it wont seem like such a big deal. i really dont know anymore.
im on a downward sprial at the moment. i have my periods...hormones racing.
i was seriously begging that id get my periods this time. cos after feeling sick everytime i ate and nikki telling me she felt like that when she was pregnant...i nearly started crying right there and then. i was just thinking oh no this cant be fucking happening. but its all good. i only got them this morning...they are really light, but they are a period so thats positive.
i over feeling down, but cant get out of it. i think its only been this weekend thats really bad cos ive done nothing at all. like i havnt really spent time with anyone, ive just been home alonme bumming. well i spent time iwth lyd today and this arvo us and a few other girls went for afternoon tea and yes, but ive just had too much time to think i reckon.
anyones im out.
ive probably depressed you enough aswell.
love you
oxox |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|05:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Maxwell D - Sexual Healing | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|07:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ne-Yo - Sexy Love | ] |
Mum and dad got back a day early from their holiday thing.
They went up to QLD, they left on thursday at lunch. Dad had to go up there for some field day thing or something up there.
I got home from doing a little grocery shopping, and I was shocked to see them home.
Then it all started.
"We've found a block of land."
"You can see the mountions, it's looking over Toowoomba, the kangaroos nearly live on the block of land."
"Just when we were planning to build you a granny flat."
"They have palm trees, shopping and the beach."
"Jason said he is going to come down here and tell you to wake up to yourself."
Seriously 5 minutes after I walked in the door...
Michael from Orange is coming down with his accountant on Saturday to talk to mum about buying the business, making sure it all checks out and everything.
I don't want all this to be happening right now. I want to be able to finish my beauty course and save and everything...but oh well guess things can't always go right hey? I'm going to miss them so much. But I'm thinking of myself, I want to start my own life, I want to be me.
It will be great to go on holidays there, free accommodation and like they have been saying, it's not far from Brisbane and Surfers. At the moment it's just too close to Dave. The wounds are still healing. I know it's rare that i'll run into him, but I just don't want that right now. Who knows in 5 years time. But at the moment I want to be here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|09:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kisschasy - Face without a name | ] |
got a message from caey at 2am this morning.
he wants to ake me out for lunch cos he said he needs someone to talk to or something like that...does this sound as sus to you as it does to me? why take me out to lunch if you need to talk. caseys not the type of guy to talk about stuff in a crowded place. maybe i will suggest hot chips at the park.
kind of nervous. NOTHING will happen. promise...i promise myself it wont happen.
i will tell him to be thankful he has jody and to appreciate her.
gahh silly boy.
anyways it makes me feel good that he feels he can talk to me.
will update what we talked about later.
love you.
oxox |
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| I'm so sick of love songs |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|06:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | From First To Last - Failure By Designer Jeans | ] |
Gah, what to update with, what to update with...
I have an exam for tafe on wednesday, and I couldnt be bothered studing for it. Ill probably fail anyways. I seriously feel like I have learnt nothing. Like I just feel like nothing has sunk it. I dont feel as if we have done any theory to learn anything. But the truth is that we have done like heaps. Well at least 3 classes full of theory. It just hasnt sunk in. Kinda stressing cos I really dont want to fail. Like i dont think there is really much to know actually. That could be what Im worried about. Oh fuck it i dont really know.
Have had a totally relaxing alcohol free weekdend.
I worked saturday and it was raining and crap all day. And saturday night i just stayed at home and watched ice age again. Went to bed at like 11pm and woke up at 9:15. Then i just bummed around. And got ready to watch the boys play soccer at 11am, turns out they didnt play until 1pm. So i went and spent about $250 on dvds. Fucking stipid idiot i am, but anyways. I got a fair few. I got 22 dvds. That works out at like $11 something a dvd, thats fucking great. waste of money but great.
So yes then on sunday night I went round to Mardis and Ads new house cos they were having like a house warming party thing cos they just got a house together. So yes i got there about 6pm and went home at 12. Cos thats when mardi was going to bed, and sammy j was already asleep and lyd looked buggered. Lyd and Craig crashed the night there, like it was all planned and i didnt know anything about it, but anyways. Im pretty sure it cos all the boys would of stayed up until like 4-5am watching the soccer, silly boys. So i went home and put the bin out...lol at like 12:30, fuck it was cold outside. Then i did some textual flirting with a certain someone *cough* casey *cough*. But i was really good, honest. I just told him that i noticed he was in a better mood tonight and it was good to see, lol and asked him if it had anything to do with a certain pair of clippers and removal of excess hair (he got a hair cut and trimmed his beard thing all short and he is spunky again) Hes been all weird lately like all down and depressed and stuff. So it was good to see a genuine smile from him. But yes, he said that he had hoped that i was staying the night there also so he had someone to snuggle with. I told him he is a great spooner but the snoring is deathly LMAO. he was like yeah its a deal breaker. but yes i got called princess twice by him that day and also got punched in the ass, so it was good to have the old casey back. The casey that is fun to muck around with and just purely have fun with, not the grouchy, unsocialable casey. So good, i missed him.
And today all ive done is, get up at 10am and had a shower and got ready to pick mum up from the airport at 12:30. And i did two loads of washing and hung them out. Thats all ive done today, its great to have a bludge like i did today. so relaxing.
I watched the tyra banks show today on austar. It was about abusive relationships. It nearly made me cry. Made me realise that i was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Like all the things this guy used to do/say to this girl after he hurt her was everything that dave did. I totally didnt realise it at the time. I feel so stupid. I realised that i had been trying to get out of the relationship from the first time that i broke up with him, and that was like 3 years ago. So basically 3 of the 5 years i was with dave i was just trying to find excuses to get out. Im so glad i did though. I know its not my fault and whatever, but fuck...why couldnt i have seen it earlier?
Well i seriously think that ive gone on with enough.
so yeah...whatever
oxox |
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| ...from a broken record |
[May. 27th, 2006|11:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pink - Dear Mr. Pesident | ] |
dont ask me what the title means, cos honestly i have no friggin idea either.
maybe im a broken record.
do you get sick of hearing how happy i am these days?
do you get sick of seeing my smiling face?
i dont.
happy v's sad...happy always wins.
had a great night sleep lastnight. i woke up at 7:20 and realised i was drooling on my pillow.
if i only i could remember what i was dreaming about.
*change of subject but we all know who this is about*
i forbid myself from doing anything with you anymore.
its wrong, and i feel bad.
but the thoughts that came rushing to my head when i saw you lastnight.
its wrong.
im glad you havnt texted me in the middle of the night for a while.
it makes you harder to resist.
you are a drug...im in rehab.
i dont know if you want me to love you.
cos i dont, well i do but not in the way that you might want.
i dont even know if thats how you feel.
subject forbidden.
i want to bruise your lips with a tender kiss
ox |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2006|08:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fall Out Boy | ] |
I have posted this else where also, but hey. i need to share.
♥
i think eveything is going to be ok now.
i woke up today and felt a sense of knowing everything is going to be ok.
i dont cry anymore.
the dagger doesnt hurt anymore.
i think ive washed my hands clean.
i am happy with the way things are now. there was a time that i wished everything back to the way they were cos i was hurting less..still hurting but not as much.
at times i didnt know what i was going to do...i didnt want to go on. i just wanted everything to wash away. i wanted everything i could feel taken away from me, as id never felt such excruciating pain before. but i am stronger, i have learnt from this. i am a better person.
if it werent for lyd, craig and casey i dont know where id be. they are my light at the end of the tunnel.
fall out boy isnt just a great band. they were my pain release. hints of the lyrics petey wrote i felt they were what i wanted to say. they were what i was feeling. i felt he understood as fucking weird or cliche as it sounds. fob were my little something he didnt know about. my little ray of sunshine on a shitty day. they were mine. this doesnt mean im over them now that i feel things are better. they are with me forever now. they drowned out the sorrow. they help me.
oxox |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:30 am] |
Stolen from Kelsi.
FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY (MAY 13th, 2002)
How old were you?:
17
What grade year were you in?
i wasnt at school
What school did u go to?:
st johns college for hight school
Where did you work?:
probably KFC
Where did you live?:
Where i live now.
Did you wear glasses?:
yes
Did you have braces?
yes
Who was your best friend?:
jess
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
dave
Who was your celebrity crush?:
i cant remember back that far...
Who was your regular-person crush?:
dave
How many tattoos did you have?:
None.
How many piercing did you have?:
Ears done twice
What car did you drive?:
a white suzuki swift sedan
What was your favourite band/group:
i cant remember, i thin kthats when i started getting into techno and shit
What was your worst fear?:
loose dave
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
yes
Had you gotten drunk or high yet?:
drunk yes
Had you driven yet:
Yes.
Had you been to a real party yet?:
nope didnt go to partys when i was younger
Had your heart broken?:
Nope.
LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW!
How old are you?:
21
What grade are you in?:
Finished.
Where do you go to school?
I dont anymore
Where do you work?:
cartridge world
Where do you live?:
Same place as before.
Where do you hang out?:
home, lyds, the commercial
How is your hair style?:
short...flat at the moment, fringe, random foils.
Do you have braces?:
Nope.
Do you wear glasses?:
yep
Who is your best friend?:
lyd
Still talk to any of your old friends?:
only jess really. but isaw smithy out at the pub last night and he has lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. and i told him this and hes like "melissa stop it, your making me blush" lmao he is soo funny, i love him.
Who is your bf/gf?:
single and happy
Who is your celebrity crush?:
petey wentz
Who is your regular-person crush?:
i dont think i have one
How many piercings do you have?:
three sets on my ears, and the top of my ear, and my belly
How many tattoos?:
3
What kind of car do you drive?:
cruddle work one
What is your biggest fear?:
swimming in murky water and shit...
Have you smoked a cigarette yet?:
not sice i was like 17
Have you gotten drunk or high?:
drunk indeed, high never.
Have you been to a real party?
Yep.
Has your heart been broken?:
FUCK YES!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
went out to the pub for a bit last night. lyd rang me at 9:45pm and said that the footy had finished and that they were at caseys deciding what they were going to do. so she said to come up and whatever. so i got there about 10, and they had decided to go to the pub for a bit. so that was pretty cool. hadnt been out for a while. fuck there were some hotties out.
craig wing and braith anaster were out at the pub also cos they playing in the city vs country game that night. lyd walked up and gave wingy a kiss on the cheek LMAO he nearly shit himself, he didnt know what to do. i was going to slap braith on the ass but thoughtm, nah i wont cos they are just here for a good time. they are just normal people wanting to have a few drinks, and all these girls had just squealed the place down when they saw them and im like poor fellas. but i did get elbowed in the boob lightly by him when i walked past him LMAO. thats my claim of fame.
so yes spunky fellas were out..just had a good ol perve. me and lyd went for a dance and stuffs. dubbo pubs are poo. there was a hot dude that was hanging with us, he name was bowie...well taht was his nickname, and he was walking behind me with his hands on my hips in the crowd *goes all gooey* he has a girlfriend though...so i was just jiggling my way through the crowd shaking my hip lol.
i think craig was trying to hook me up with timmy all night lo. he was like so timmy do you have melbas number blah blah blah. she goes off and wharever. saying i put out and shit cos its been while since he had sex and they think i should do him a favour...lol. i laughed at this one cos its something new.
took craig and lyd home at 1:15. and then went and picked casey, ad and timmy up from the pub and took them home. got home and casey had sent me a message saying he wanted me and that the door was open if i wanted to come back after id dropped everyone off. and i read it as i walked in the front door at home and was like FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! sent him a message saying id just got home and i was pissed that i didnt check my phone. and asked if his dad was working tonight. he wasnt sure but said we might organise something. cos craig and lyd are going to see lyds mum at lunch today and wont get back nutil monday. se yes. we will see what happens.
ive missed my lyddie bear so much. after getting out of the car at the pub (i drove only had one drink) she was like come and give me a hug, so we walked to the front door with our arms around each other lol. she was like some days when i see you eeryday i just wish that i didnt see you everyday but then when i dont see you for a week i miss you so much lol. i just laughted it off cos yeah no doubt i can getting annoying or to much or whatever but it was so good to see her. im just so happy now.
anyways im off...only half an hour of work to go. could really do with some sleep. didnt get to bed until 2 and got up at 7:45...so tired.
love
oxox |
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| back to normality |
[May. 12th, 2006|05:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
i am back at tafe. thankgod. i missed it so much.
we had first aid on the wednesday and we had a creepy male teacher who refered everything back to somethi gsexual, so im going to comlian about him next week. the head lady robyn wasnt there on thrusday when i went to complain. he was gross. alot of us girls were quite disgusted. so yes.
we started nails last week. i missed the first lession or two but this week me did a manicure. it was cool. i have pretty nails now.
i seriously feel like buying my own house at the moment. apart from the money thats all thats holding me back...oh and having a nice house to buy. but those are only minor things LMAO. when i get my settlement im going to try and save an extra $10000 on top of that then start to look for a house. it will be super. my own little place to decorate. i cant wait. not too sure if me and mumu and dad are going to go forth with the duplex idea...would be awesome but i dont know. just have to wait and see. i really would love the duplex idea though.
nothing much more has been happening in my life.
i have terrible breakouts across my forhead. well they are actually just little bumps everywhere. its all this good cleanser stuff im using and the facials, they are bringing out all the crap in my skin. im really hating it, but it will be worth it when it goes down, fuck i want them to go away though. they feel yucky.
sent out the invites for mine and mums party in june. im really excited about that also. we have people from sydney, canberra, melbourne, corowa, creascent head andwagga coming up. im so excited. all the family will be together and all my friends. its going to be great. only like 3 weeks to go. my dad is going to be making pizzaz for it. i love his pizzas they are the best pizzas EVER...seriously.
havnt saw lyd properly in ages. i miss her heaps. she has been sick this week and just having a down week. but i sent her a message today saying that i hope she is better and that she has put her beautiful smile back on her face. and she said she was just talking tocraig saying how she is having withdrawls from me lol. so after she is finished at the football with everyone tonigth she is goingt o ring me before they go out and have a few drinks. i gotta work in the morning but who cares. ill have a few. dont know about the whole driving thing though. ill drive there and might only have one. i will have to see how i feel. other wise i might have to get mum and dad to pick me up or somethin glike that. im sure they will like that.
anyways im of
love you
oxox |
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| something or rather |
[May. 9th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pink - Dear Mr president | ] |
i went and got my eyes tested this afternoon. my long distance has changed slightly and they is why iwas getting blurry look at things far away. it going to cos me about $500 to get mew lenses and frames. im getting black rectangle frames. they are hot. i think it might take me a little getting used to cos im used to kind of light coloured thin oval frames. and these are black rectangle slightly think frames. should be awesome though. a nice change. maybe they will make me look sophisticated or something like that.
went to the solicitors also today. doesnt look too promising for me to be getting much money after all. but the solicitor said the least amount he wants me to get is $16100. which is still a fair bit of money, but i still feel ripped off like the money that i put into our relationship didnt mean shit cos it wasnt getting paid off the house. that just doesnt make sense. how can tehy only focus on the house? just because i didnt pay money off the house doesnt mean i didnt contribute any money at all. its so stupid. and i nearly started crying in this dudes office i was that upset and felt so fucking used. like dave isnt even grateful for the things ive helped him with. and yeah fair enough he would be angry that im trying to get his money or whatevr, but doesnt he understand that its my money aswell. in court terms 2 years to be living together isnt long...how do they get that. *humph* i just want it all to be over. its too upsetting and makes me feel like poo.
me and my friend jess are probably going to fly to melbourne in 3-4 months to come and visit you kelsi. i am so excited. when it gets a bit closer i will let you know. well really its when we sit down and talk about it. will probably stay for like a week or something. how far away are you from melbourne? if we were to stay in melbourne is it shortish travelling distance to bendigo? maybe you could come and stay with us for like a night or two or somethin glike that. and we can all run a muck and get drunk together...wouldnt it be awesome? i would have super fun. and then you can find me a hot band guy :O how exciting.
mum and dad got back yesterday afternoon. thank god. i was getting so bored and lonely by myself.
its so fricken cold here. my hands are frozen and i just want to snuggle in my bed so i can keep warm. i cant wait till the oc is on and over so i can snuggle with myself and keep warm LMAO how lonely do i sound? funny as.
the invitations for mine and mums party is made. well one copy is done so me and mum could see if we liked it and its awesome. so the rest will get printed out tomorrow id say and then i can start giving them out. im so excited. i love parties. my dad is making pizza. and im going to make jelly shots cos they are awesome. and it will just be heaps fun. i love it when friends get together. and also most of my family is going to be there so it will be like a mini reunion of both sides. i cant wait. im going to show everyone my grandads thing that he has to put up to his throat to talk. its such a great party trick. and my brother and his girlfriend will be coming home for it and that will be good cos i miss them and i want to check out gabs hot pink phone (bitch lol) and we can all go out and dance the night away. im thinking getting a ehite polo shirt and ironing on 'show me love' on the back of it LMAO, still debating that. and i was going to wear my fishnet stockings with shorts, but i just really think it will be too cold. will wait and see. im quite excited. im kicking myself for getting my hair cut last time cos id say if i let it grow it would of beena little bit longer and i would of been able to put it up in a little pony tail or something like that.
anyways im off. my fingers hurt to type
love you
xoxo |
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| You put the pieces together |
[May. 7th, 2006|10:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
casey
over 30 minutes
cramped hips
sore twat
very enjoyable |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|05:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bubba Sparxx - Miss New Booty | ] |
goodness i have been busy today.
i went to work at 9 and was there until 12. and i wasnt that busy there at all. but when i finished work, i came home and had a piece of bread with honey on it and then was on my way around to lyds to do her hair for a wedding she was going to. so i straightened her hair for her, and then a gave her a boof thing. and she was off. and i went to music matters and went and ordered fall out boys take this to your grave cd and i got home at about 2pm. and then since then i have:
- washed two loads of clothes
- washed a load of towels
- washed my sheets
- hung the first three loads out and put my sheets in the dryer cos they wont dry before the sun goes down other wise
- packed and put the dishwasher on
- i vaccuumed my room
- wiped over all the kitchen benchs
- wiped over my dressing table and bedside tables and rearranged my dressing table so its better and have more space on it. i put my speakers under the table so its cool.
- then i went to the reject shop and got a power board and a double adaptor and a folder thing for all this solicitor shit.
- and now i just have to take the clothes off the line and fold them and make my bed again.
i was ment to be going to the movies with jess tonight but there is shit all. final destination has bought out a third one...when will they get the point to stop? its nearly like the scary movie 4 thats out. there are like 4 or 5 PG movies there and it isnt even the school holidays anymore. silly silly movies. so i just suggested a dvd or two and a pizza or something like that.
then tomorrow for lunch there is a bbq at the pub for the soccer club, so im going to wear my hot pink pants to that. i havnt worn them in AGES. i totally forgot i had them, will have to take a picture of them one day. they are super as.
so that has been my day basically. ive been avoiding going down town and having a look around at the shops cos i dont want to run into someone. just cant handle that at the moment. bad enough seeing them in the car. havnt cried about that though so that is SUPER. maybe thats what i needed for everything to sink in...who knows. dont get me wrong ive been thinking about it a fair bit, but thats understandable.
so yes i am to check the clothes on the line. i think ill need to put some of them in the dryer aswell. cos the people behind us have trees at their back fence and they have grown fairly big now and block out all the nice afternoon sun. which means our poor clothes line misses out of the lovely warm sun.
anyways im off
love you
oxox |
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| Dear Kelsi |
[May. 6th, 2006|07:47 am] |
i dont know where to write this so ill just put it here. im sure sooner or later you will read this.
thankyou for what you did on mirror for me, you didnt have to. im sorry that it has coursed shit between you and some of the other girls now.
if i knew what i was saying was going to course such a stir i wouldnt of posted it. i wish i could take it back so all this shit would go away.
lets just say i think ill be writing personal stuff on here now then on mirror. cos at least then if im angry i can let it all out here without being judged.
i dont know how to thankyou, or whatever. but just know it means alot for you to have done that for me it really does.
thanks again.
love you
oxox |
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| I just called to say... |
[May. 5th, 2006|01:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
my brother just called me *goofy grin* it was good to hear a familiar voice. hes so aaron.
he was wanting to know whether i had mums old curtains at work here cos his flat mate is possibly picking them up on her way back to wagga. i was like yes they are in my car, couldnt be bothered getting them out cos they are too heavy.
then he proceeded to tell me hat gab (his g/f) got a hot pink phone...bitch. you know the motorola ones? and she got a hot pink bluetooth connection thing to go with it...bitch. it pink is so fucking hot. and my brother then told me that he has an orange phone...asshole. orange is so hot aswell.
and i have to try sending then file thingy of me on the tv to him again cos i sent him the wrong one or something like that. its super. im famous. so i will be doing that tonight, then he will email it backto me in a proper format that i can post on youtube.com and it will be all awesome and you can gawk at how goofy i am...lol. no seriously im an idiot. lyd isnt bobbing behind me to get on tv she is actually trying to hide behind but im too busy moving around lol. its awesome.
love
oxox |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2006|08:52 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Listening to my High Five | ] |
Two months today..and going (as) strong (as i can)
High Five:
October Fall - Favourite Mistake
The Acadamy Is - Slow Down
Fall Out Boy - I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me
October Fall ft Patrick Stump - Second Chances
Hellogoodbye - Dear Jamie...Sincerely Me
Wasted tears lastnight. Kind of feel as if it wasnt worth getting so emotional over now. He is allowd to date/fuck/whatever...i just dont want to know about it anymore.
Feeling better this morning. Well better then last night anyway. I have to smile, cos when this is all over i can laugh in his face. I dont care whether i only get $8500, thats $400 more then what he wanted to give me. Aslong as i get more then his offer i will be happy. Spiteful birch MWHAHAHA.
love
oxox |
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| *hugh ass grin* |
[May. 4th, 2006|04:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sexual | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fall Out Boy & Panic! | ] |
my day was officially made a good day this morning by a certain someone...
i closed up shop this morning so i could go and get the paper and check the post office box and i dropped in to see casey cos i was unbeleivably bored. i had been working all morning to get carts on the shelf cos id been slack this week so far, if you wanted the truth.
so yes extremely bored, so i went and saw casey. he was also bored so we chatted for a bit. and we were talking about how i was a bit busy earlier during the weekend and im like "it must be my great customer serves" and we both laughed. and im like "no seriously i think its my smile" and we laughed again.
so i had to go so i was like bye blah blah blah kiss on the cheek. then i get back to the shop and there is some lady standing out the front waiting for me. so after i served her i texted casey and was like:
whoops! i had a customer waiting outside for me when i got back. im telling you its the pretty face, it makes them swoon ha ha. see you tomorrow oxox
then he goes:
its gotta be the pretty face or ya hot body :D see you tomorrow
then i said:
im sure you can vouch for both...
compliments like that just put me in the best mood. considering i was having a bad body issue week. and it makes me feel good cos he still thinks im hot. ill so sack him while jodes is away, as wrong as it is, its just so fucking fun. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2006|02:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | October Fall - Favourite Mistake | ] |
i am feeling slightly better today. could do with a hug though, but other then thats its all cool.
i made myself a honey soy chicken mince vege noodle stir fru thing last night. it was delicious, even though it would of fed me like four times. i had to freeze two lots of it and ate it for lunch today. still good the second time around. the noodles were all nice and soft and stuff.
feeling ever so slightly toey. could do with some love and attention. *ponders to self* jody goes back to uni this weekend...i wonder if casey is up for some fun. i really wonder if he is. casual flirting going on the weekend just past. its like it is all the time. we have a flirty relationship. dont know whether to sleep with him again. dont want it to get found out, and dont want jodes to find out. as bad as it is i would do it if he was up for it. if craig and lyd go to see lyds mum for mothers day im going to see if casey just wants to hang out or something like that, then pull a move on him and see his reaction. he will lap it up...i know he will. i so reckon he will take the hint and ride with me on the wave of love LMAO. its not really love, i think its lust for both of us. shoul djust suggest hiring a few movies and see what he says cos other wise we will both be bored...well i know i will be.
getting new glasses next week. i have an apponitment on the 9th. im getting sexy black rectangular ones. can anyone say HOT? quite excited about that, ive had the same ones for two years now, they are getting kind of old, need a update.
mum and dad will be back in 6 days. cant wait to have other people there at home with me. its so boring! good cos i can have my music turned up heaps but boring cos i have no one to talk to. i just like the company.
not much more to say
love you all like nutella
oxox
To you my favorite mistake
it looks like a second too late
use these words to slit your throat
i meant the words i just wrote
your sick of trying, so am i
you tried another suicide
next time... cut harder
promote your flaws
show your mistakes
6 feet underground
you dig your own grave |
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| do you ever get lonely? |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|09:16 pm] |
i do when im home alone like now. my parents have gone away for like two weeks and im all home alone and stuff. im rather quite bored actually.
got a letter from my solicitors on saturday (well thats when i checked the letter box) and dave is willing to give me fucking $8100. i bawled my pretty blue eyes out. how can he be so selfish. we were together for over 5 years and he expects me to walk away with the money i spent on putting the air con in and the money i paid for the oven for. no compensation for all the bills i paid, for the holidays, for the clothes, for fucking anything. five years and i walk away with that. fuck him. im going totake him to court. selfish prick. im just so numb at the moment about it. i went around to lyd and bawled to her about it. she knows ecatly when im going through. it fucking sucks. guys fucking suck. i would at least put in over $30000 in 5 years and he is just spitting it all back in my face. i feel so small, so unappreciated. i just cant even explain it. way to make the confidence boost up to a zillion...fuck head.
he scum anyway. some friends (which i choose to call friends now as they know nothing and have said how demented his family is) saw him at the pub on saturday night with two trash bag grils or whatever trying to pick fights with the front rowers of the local footy team. what a fuckwit. why would he do that. he isnt big, front rowers are built like brick shit houses. he clearly has no brains. i was obviously keeping him grounded for the last few years...well thats what i keep telling myself, its what makes it easier for me.
well actually nothing is making it easier for me. every letter i get digs the knife in just that little bit deeper. yeah ive come to terms with everything, but i am emotionally scared from this whole relationship. i have trust issues...serious trust issues. he has probably fucked up my whole dating scene for the next few months or years or whatever it takes to find someone else and fully trust them. yeah i cant put them in the same buckets as fuckface, but im sure you get where im coming from.
i can say im over this until im blue in the fucking face, but the truth is i doubt whether ill be ever over this.every relationship i have they will want to know about previous partners...do i tell them the whole story? do i tell them im going for settlement? or will that just fuck up a new relationship cos they might think im a gold digger? for the last two months everything is just fucked up. im fine when im with my friends and laughing and doing things that keep my mind off this, but its times like this when im home alone and my mind races...and the what ifs start to pop in my head. i know i could of never changed him, i tried and failed miserably...look what happened. but i cant help but think of the good times we had togetehr and it makes me so unbeleivable upset to see where it is today.
i am just drained. im over tired...ive over eaten, ive gained like 3 kgs in this weekend. ive just been eating crap. but id say its more water retention if you get my drift.
im just having a crap day...
love
oxox |
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